This post is something I’ve known I’ve had to write about it for awhile now. It’s been something I’ve been afraid to post, but I know in order to fully heal I need to do this.
So, some of you may have an idea of what this post is going to be about, and some of you may have had no idea that any of this was even happening. Because frankly, if you were to meet me in public you would probably have no idea this is happening. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever written in my life, and I am honestly mind blown that I am even posting this right now. This is a piece about the journey I have gone through with loosing part of my vision to diabetes.
The day that I had the courage to go into the doctor was the most emotionally draining and exhausting day of my entire life. I had to go to two different doctors and spent a total of five or six hours getting tests done and just sitting three crying. This was only the start of the many doctors appointments I would have to go to, and still have to go to. If it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t drive myself to these appointments, this would have been something I would have gone through alone. I am thankful that I had someone with me that day.
Unfortunately, no matter how many doctors appointments I went to it never felt like they had any solid answers for what the prognosis was. Because I never felt like I was, and still haven’t gotten solid answers it becomes hard for me to explain to other people what is going on. Most people can’t even wrap their minds around what this is like, and if this were not happening to me, I dont think I could either. Having all of this happen has just felt like my worst nightmare coming true. I have had a lot of loss in my life, almost to the point where it feels normal, but I have never gone through anything that has effected me the way this has.
It took me a long time to come to terms with what was happening. I avoided it for a long time, and then I fought it, finally I have realized that I need to accept it and not let it control my life.
I had all of these internal fears about what people would think of me, because honestly I had lost all confidence and faith in myself. I felt like I was a burden, I felt worthless, and at some point it felt like the only way the pain would go away was by my life ending. NO I never contemplated suicide, I never thought about ending my life, but there were days where the pain and the loss felt so heavy and so dark that I couldn’t get through it.
I had this idea that those around me would reject me, like people wouldn’t look at me the same anymore, it felt like I had just lost myself. I felt like I was always having to hide this whole part of me that probably made me look flakey and lazy. At the time looking like that was better then what the reality was. I didn’t want to admit to people what was going on, because once I put it out there, it just made it that much more true.
The medical side of things was something I was always used to. I was used to medical terms and frequently having to see a doctor. What I never imagined was the emotional impact this would have on my life. I realized I now had this part of me that was going to push people away. I realized things like dating, and attending things where going to be different. I realized I would be rejected for this and people sometimes would look at me differently. One day it hit me though that yes these things are going to happen, and yes they are hard to deal with. But if I am confident in the person I am, and if I rebuild myself, then this becomes a way to filter out the people I don’t need in my life, and help me become that much more thankful for the people that are.
Not only did I have to adjust and relearn how to do simple things, those around me did as well. Once the people around me knew that there would be a few things in my life I would need help with, they often say they don’t even notice that there are things I can’t seen clearly. I honestly could never thank the people in my life enough for carrying me while I have gone through this journey.
Going through this has been something that completely shattered me at one point. During this period in my life I have hit the lowest of the lows that I have, and probably will hit in my life. One thing it has taught me though is that even though I don’t have clear answers, and even though I don’t know what will happen, my life will never be the same after this. I have realized that my pain and my life can make a difference. I can use all of this pain, and turn it into purpose.
I still have days where emotion takes over and I feel helpless. I still have days where I question what I was put on this earth to do. I still have days where I feel isolated from the people around me. I still have days where I am angry. And I still have days where mentally I break down. But when I look back at where this journey started I appreciate how far I have come and all I have gotten through already. I also realized that I am not the only one going through something. The older we get we all have things in our lives that absolutely terrify us, and we all have demons that we battle daily. This may have taken a huge toll on my life, but I can’t let it define the rest of my life, and I can’t stop living because of it.
This happened to me so that I could make a difference, and I can’t make a difference if I continue to hide. I can’t be hypocritical and suggest to those around me to share their stories when I was afraid to share mine.
This will not be the last post about this, there is way to much to cover to all have it done in one post. If anyone wants to know specifics about any of this let me know so I can include it in my next post!
Thank you for reading this, and thank you for allowing me a voice to share the part of my life that I am most ashamed of. I appreciate all of you who read this, and I appreciate everyone who sends me any sort of message, or anyone who shares my posts.